


This Time

by Ziamismyotp



Category: One Direction
Genre: Angst, M/M, Smut too, Ziam is nothing but angst with a happy ending, because lets face it, this is Ziam, with a happy ending of course
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-07
Updated: 2015-03-07
Packaged: 2018-03-16 17:31:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,791
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3496805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ziamismyotp/pseuds/Ziamismyotp
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He holds his breath, swallowing with wide eyes when Zayn turns around, a paper cup of coffee in his hand (black, no sugars, no cream), his face coming into full view and Liam gets dizzy with memories. Flashes of hands moving up his chest, chapped but always soft lips running along the column of his throat, gasps and whispers. A beautiful laugh he use to do say the stupidest things just to hear echoing in his ears, squinted eyes and a wrinkled nose. Movies, cuddles, showers, dinners. The way he fit so well, so perfectly in the circle of Liam’s arms like they were molded for each other and only each other.</p><p> </p><p>He’s got a lovely smile on his face, his eyes focused on the screen of his phone and Liam wonders-no, fears who could be on the other end of that text. And he finds himself unable to move as Zayn makes his way towards the entrance, the door chiming when he steps through and outside. He turns the opposite way, completely unaware of Liam’s presence and he knows he shouldn’t, knows it will just end awkwardly and bad but he can’t stop himself, it comes blurting from his lips before he even knows what he’s doing, “Zayn!”</p>
            </blockquote>





	This Time

**Author's Note:**

> This was actually inspired by John Legends "This Time" because a while back I couldn't get it out of my head and I legit listened to it repeatedly everyday for probably two months. It was a problem.
> 
> And then of course (because they consume my mind) every time I listened to it I thought of Ziam and I HAD to write this. I started it months ago then abandoned it for a little while but I finally got back to it last night and now it's finished and HERE IT IS! YAAAAY!
> 
> Hope you don't hate it and sorry if the smut sucks, I'm still new to it and I still squirm every time I type the word cock sooo...
> 
> Yeah, lemme know what you think, kudos and bookmarks and comments are always wonderful! And sorry if I don't respond to all of them, I get really nervous about responding and I over think the reply and I just end up all mad at myself for being such a dumb ass. But I really do appreciate every kudos, comment and bookmark, they're what keeps me writing. Honestly if it wasn't for the response of my last piece, I wouldn't have even posted this let alone finished it.
> 
> Okay, done rambling now!!

He doesn't know what it is that makes him glance through the large windows of the coffee shop he's jogging by, he usually doesn't pay attention to his surroundings, only focusing on his breathing and his pace, but something makes him look over just in time to see the profile of a familiar face and he stumbles to a clumsy stop. His heart lurches in his chest when he recognizes the back of the slim figure, his breathing stuttering to a stop. That sinking feeling, that _regret_ , sets in, starting in the pit of his stomach, traveling throughout his chest to his heart that's pounding painfully behind his rib cage.

 

 

He holds his breath, swallowing with wide eyes when Zayn turns around, a paper cup of coffee in his hand (black, no sugars, no cream), his face coming into full view and Liam gets dizzy with memories. Flashes of hands moving up his chest, chapped but always soft lips running along the column of his throat, gasps and whispers. A beautiful laugh he use to do say the stupidest things just to hear echoing in his ears, squinted eyes and a wrinkled nose. Movies, cuddles, showers, dinners. The way he fit so well, so perfectly in the circle of Liam’s arms like they were molded for each other and only each other.

 

 

He’s got a lovely smile on his face, his eyes focused on the screen of his phone and Liam wonders-no, _fears_ who could be on the other end of that text. And he finds himself unable to move as Zayn makes his way towards the entrance, the door chiming when he steps through and outside. He turns the opposite way, completely unaware of Liam’s presence and he knows he shouldn’t, knows it will just end awkwardly and bad but he can’t stop himself, it comes blurting from his lips before he even knows what he’s doing, “Zayn!”

 

 

Zayn turns around quickly at the call of his name, his eyes, eyes Liam hasn’t seen in months, widen at the sight of him, beautifully golden with specks of green and lined by those long curved lashes he remembers brushing against his cheek. But he notices they aren’t as bright as they use to be when they land on Liam. And it’s clear Zayn doesn’t know what to do as he stands there watching Liam watch him and if Liam doesn't control his breathing he might pass out.

 

 

“Liam?” Zayn breathes, shocked and Liam’s chest clenches at the familiar accent, the way his name always comes out like _Leeyum_. And Liam could be just hearing stuff from the intensity of the moment but he swears he hears a bit of relief in Zayn’s tone.

 

 

“Hi.” Is all Liam can manage when Zayn moves closer, just so they wont have to strain to hear each other. He stops in front of Liam, a reasonable distance still between them and it hurts a little because Zayn has never looked so hesitant to be close to him before.

 

 

“Morning jog?” Zayn assumes, an awkward smile on his face, and it looks a little forced, his eyes a little sad though Liam can tell he's trying to hide it.

 

 

And Liam’s as breathless as he was when he first spotted Zayn. He just. He forgot how beautiful Zayn was. The sweater draped over his shoulders is too big with sleeves that stretch over his fist and there's a red beanie placed sloppily on his head, random pieces of hair falling out (and it makes Liam's stomach turn how he _knows_ Zayn just woke up from a nap where he was probably wrapped around a pillow on his side in nothing but his boxers, his face stuffed into said pillow because Zayn is a clingy sleeper and that pillow use to be Liam), and there's a slight shadow of the beginnings of scruff on his jaw and his face looks so soft, Liam wants to reach out and touch it but he no longer as the permission to do so. And it’s his own fault.

 

 

“Yeah, yeah.” He finally answers, clenching his fists in the pocket of his joggers to keep himself from reaching out, running his hand across the smoothness of Zayn's cheek. “Um, how are you? How-how have you been?”

 

 

Zayn looks down at the pavement under their feet, his boot dragging as his smile falters for no more than a second before returning and it’s definitely forced now, tight and not reaching his eyes. No one else would be able to notice, Zayn’s awfully good at wearing a mask when he wants too, but Liam knows him better than he knows himself. That's what happens after being with a person for 5 years, you learn them on both the outside and the inside, the bad and the good.

 

 

“Good. Yeah, good.” Zayn answers, finally looking at him again and panic rises in his body at the distance in Zayn's eyes. A distance he never knew, even when things were bad. “Arts going well, I’m getting more clients and such. Um, mum and baba came down last week, they’re well. And you? You’re good?”

 

 

Liam wants to shake his head, tell him _no, I thought I was but nope I’m not good at all,_ but he clamps that down. And just this morning Zayn hadn’t been a passing thought, not for a while, actually, but seeing him, hearing him, being so close to him again, it’s hitting Liam like a giant brick to the chest how much he’s actually missed this boy. How much he _needs_ him. Liam’s good at lying when he needs too as well, specially to himself.

 

 

“Brilliant, yeah." he all but chokes out. "Been going out, getting back into things, ya’know?” And he wants to swallow the words back up as soon as they come flooding out because he didn’t mean to say that, he didn’t mean to lie but Zayn looks so good and Liam’s shaking with the fear that maybe he’s getting over him, _has_ gotten over him, and Liam can’t be the one still hung up here. And he wasn’t. He wasn’t just yesterday. Or he thought. Fuck.

 

 

Zayn visibly swallows, his eyes flickering along the street, and Liam can tell he’s uncomfortable. “Sure.” he replies and it’s quiet but he looks back at Liam and there’s a smile back on his face and it's softer and maybe even real but his eyes are still sad as he takes a breath. “I uh, have to head back to my flat now, Harry’s coming over for lunch soon but knowing him, he’s probably already there.”

 

 

"Oh," Liam exhales, trying not to let the disappointment show. "Um, okay."

 

 

"It was... It was nice seeing you again, Liam."And Liam has to hide the way his stomach twists with dread when Zayn whispers _bye_ , the way his chest hurts with regret as Zayn gives him a small smile, a short wave as he turns and walks off, leaving Liam there with tears wanting to poor out. With the feeling that his heart has been ripped from his throat and torn apart.

 

 

Watching Zayn disappear, walking away from him the way Liam walked away 5 months ago, Liam realizes painfully quick that this is _not_  what he wants. This isn’t what he thought he needed. He thought he needed space, needed to be single again and have a chance to meet other people. Just. They'd been together _so long_. There was so much he hadn't done, so many people he hadn't met.

 

 

He thought his time with Zayn was over because the sight of that engagement ring sitting so comfortably on Zayn’s finger made him want to vomit with nerves and he thought he didn’t want to marry Zayn, thought he didn’t want to be with him at all, but _god_ , was he wrong.

 

 

He wants it. He wants love and a family and a home.

 

 

He wants it all but he’s afraid he may have realized it too late.

 

 

**::::::::**

 

 

He’s out for the 4th time this week and he’s got another shot in his hand, trying to get so fucking drunk because he can’t deal with the way Zayn has taken over his mind since he saw him last week. He can’t stand to remember when everything started going bad, how he picked a fight for any little thing just to get out the flat and away from Zayn. The way he shouted horrible things till his throat hurt when nothing was Zayn’s fault to begin with. It’s hurts to remember how Zayn shouted back but not out of anger, out of confusion, out of fear, how his eyes watered every time Liam refused to really tell him what was truly the matter, every time Liam pulled on his shoes and stomped out the door.

 

 

He can’t think of how he would come back at some insane hour and always find Zayn asleep, curled up on the couch as if he was waiting for him all night and the way Liam would sigh and leave to the bedroom, leaving Zayn there without even a blanket to keep him warm.

 

 

He was horrible and he knew it, he _felt_  the pain he was causing Zayn. He wasn’t being the man Zayn deserves, he wasn’t being the partner he promised he’d be when he dropped to one knee. And he can’t bare to remember.

 

 

So he takes another shot and sways away from the bar, moving to the dance floor on unsteady feet because maybe he can loose himself in the crowd, in the music, and forget Zayn’s stupid bloody face for at least a little while. Maybe he can forget what a dumb arse he is.

 

 

But he can’t and Liam finds himself stumbling into his flat an hour later, piss drunk, being led to his bed by some poor soul he attached himself to sometime between his 6th shot and Beyonce thrumming through the speakers. The poor bloke is trying to help him gently into his bed but Liam’s a floundering mess and he falls ungracefully on the edge, nearly falling off completely until the bloke pushes him over and begins pulling off his shoes.

 

 

“Wh- where’s Zay-ayn? My Zayn, where’s m’Zayn?” Liam cries, flopping onto his stomach and kicking the guys hands away from his feet so he’s left with one shoe on and one shoe off.

 

 

“I told you, Liam, I don’t know who Zayn is.” The guy tells him, not even sounding irritated but sad, pitying. It makes Liam sneer.

 

 

“I wa' Zayn.” He whimpers, not even trying to hold back the sob that leaves his throat because he’s drunk and heartbroken and he’s going to fucking cry in front of stranger, okay?

 

 

“I’m going to leave now, Liam. There’s a cup of water by your bed.” Liam feels a hand come to squeeze his shoulder but he shoves it off because it’s not Zayn’s hand. Only Zayn can touch him, only Zayn.

 

 

“Good luck, mate.” The guy says softly. Liam doesn’t know if he actually leaves or not because he can’t hear anything but his own sobs reverberating in the room.

 

 

Liam rolls, literally rolls, out of his bed, a sniveling, sobbing mess, and stumbles out of his room and down the hallway. It’s dark but his shades are open to let in moonlight so he can see just enough that he doesn’t walk into the television. He finds the couch, falling roughly onto it, curling up and burying his nose in the cushion, sniffing, trying to find a trace of Zayn’s sent but it’s gone. It’s gone and he’s gone.

 

 

“Zayn-” He whimpers. “My… Zayn.”

 

 

::::::::

 

 

“Is there a reason there’s a note on your shirt saying that if lost I should call some bloke named Isaac?” Louis asks, snatching a paper from the back of Liam’s shirt. Liam spins around, wincing immediately because he’s got a massive hangover but it’s nothing he’s not growing use to.

 

 

He shrugs, swallowing two pills and snatching the note back, crumpling it and tossing it in the trash.

 

 

Louis watches him carefully, a suspicious look in his eye that makes Liam roll his own. He leaves the kitchen, walking into the living room and laying on the couch, pulling the thin blanket he left there yesterday over him. He turns on his side and closes his eyes, hoping Louis will just leave.

 

 

“Is everything alright, Liam?” Louis asks. Liam can hear that he’s close, probably sitting on the recliner by his head but he doesn’t open his eyes to check

 

 

“Peachy.” he snaps, yanking the blanket over his head, trying to swallow back the lump in his throat because _god_ , he just wants Zayn here instead of Louis.

 

 

“I don’t think things are peachy.” Louis says. “I think there’s something you aren’t telling me and I think it has to do with Zayn.” Liam flinches at the sound of Zayn’s name and he wants to kick Louis out physically because it’s just like him to hit the nail right on the head. “Am I right?”

 

 

Liam sighs, slowly pulling the blanket off his head and opening his eyes. It’s blurry, his sight, but he can make out Louis sat on the floor in front of him, a concerned look on his face. “I saw him.” Liam confesses, hating the way his lip begins to tremble.

 

 

“And?” Louis pushes softly.

 

 

“And I didn’t know how much I actually miss him, Lou.” He admits. “I. I just want him back. I still, I love him.” And that’s it. That’s where Liam looses it, tears rolling from his eyes as Louis scoots him over and lays beside him, wrapping him up in his arms and trying to sooth him.

 

 

“I know you do, babe. I know. ”

 

 

“Why d-didn’t you te-tell me then?” Liam demands, as if it’s all Louis’ fault he didn’t realize sooner.

 

 

“I was waiting for you to figure it out yourself.”

 

 

Liam sniffs, swallowing a sob. “He’s not-he’s not coming back.”

 

 

“Have you spoke to him? Told him you want him back?”

 

 

Liam shakes his head, stuffing his face into Louis’ neck. “I was awful. He doesn’t want me anymore.” And it hurts like hell to say but it’s true, Zayn can’t want him after the way Liam acted towards him during the end.

 

 

“I’m not going to sit here and say he does, Liam, because I don’t know myself, the lad refuses to talk about the break up whenever I bring it up,” Louis tells him softly. “but you should still try or else you’ll never know. Harry tells me he can't sleep at night and his art work is just getting more and more depressing, that can't be for nothing.”

 

 

Liam thinks about how their friends have taken sides almost. Or shifts. He's got his figured out, Louis and Niall mostly transition on the week days, and he's got Harry mostly on the weekends. He assumes Harry spends the week on Zayn shift then and if there is anyone who knows Zayn's current day to day and sleep pattern, it'd be Harry. He can admit the information sparks a tiny flame of hope because Zayn's art work, the pieces not made for clients, his more personal pieces, mainly reflect his own emotions and if they're as depressing as Harry claims then maybe Zayn misses Liam too.

 

 

Liam moves back to look Louis in the face and he knows Louis wouldn’t give him bad advice, he’d rather say nothing than say something that will surely hurt Liam in the end. So Liam takes a shaky breath and nods his head.

 

 

"Okay, I will but. Not right now. Later”

 

 

Louis gives him a soft smile. “Deal.”

 

 

::::::::

 

 

Calling Zayn doesn’t go exactly how he planned. Yeah, he definitely didn’t plan to call Zayn while wondering the streets, drunk, and utterly lost.

 

 

The first call goes unanswered and Liam whines, redialing and grinning when Zayn’s voice answers after 3 rings.

 

 

“Zaynieeee!” He exclaims, almost tripping over his own foot on the sidewalk.

 

 

“Liam?” Zayn sounds confused but awake so Liam doesn't feel guilty about calling him so late.

 

 

“How'd you know 's me!” Liam slurs a little. His heart jumps because maybe Zayn hasn’t forgotten about him.

 

 

“I do still have your number in my phone.”

 

 

“You do?” he asks, hopefully. That's a good sign.

 

 

There’s a pause before Zayn says, almost sounding sad, “Liam, are you drunk?”

 

 

Liam hesitates because he knows Zayn doesn't like when he gets too drunk but nods before remembering Zayn isn't there to see him and admits “A little bit.”

 

 

Zayn sighs and Liam hates the way it sounds disappointed. “I’m going to hang up now. Go to sleep, Liam.”

 

 

Liam’s pulse starts to pick up, the fear of being alone striking him in the chest and he quickly says, “I can’t.” before Zayn can hang up.

 

 

There’s another sigh and ruffling around. “Why not?”

 

 

“Cos’m not home. I dunno where I am.”

 

 

“What?” Zayn demands, making Liam pull the phone away from his ear, wincing.

 

 

“ ’m sorry.” he mumbles because he didn't mean to upset Zayn.

 

 

“Liam.” Zayn groans. There’s a quite beat, then a long exhale, and then Zayn’s saying calmly, a hint of worry in his voice that Liam is just sober enough to pick up. “What do you see, tell me what’s around you.”

 

 

Liam listens, looking around to take in his location. “There’s a big building. And a park with- with a pond.” He looks around some more, noticing a closed mini market just beside the building. “And a store.”

 

 

“Hold on.” Zayn tells him.

 

 

“Are you comin’ to get me?” Liam asks, an excited feeling sparking inside of him because he might see Zayn finally.

 

 

“Yes, Liam.”

 

 

“You’re comin’ now?”

 

 

“Yes, Li.” Liam grins at the old nickname, his stomach swooping, his chest feeling warm.

 

 

“ _Li._ ” Liam repeats happily.

 

 

“Stay where you are.” Is all Zayn says back but Liam can’t even feel disappointed because Zayn’s coming for him and that must mean he still cares, right? Zayn still loves him, right? He has too, he’s coming to save him.

 

 

It feels like an eternity with the anticipation but then the door to the building Liam’s standing in front of opens and Zayn appears, his hair all mussed, the clothes Liam knows he just threw on, wrinkled. He looks beautiful and Liam’s swooning so hard he looses his footing, almost falling on his arse until Zayn’s rushing over and grabbing him around the waist, steadying him.

 

 

“You’re here!” He sighs happily, grinning and leaning closer to Zayn.

 

 

“You’re outside my building, babe.” Zayn tells him with a small amused smile that makes Liam feels twenty times better then he’s felt the past 2 weeks. Or more like 5 months, to be honest. “C’mon, lets get you inside.”

 

 

He throws one of Liam’s arms around his shoulders and brings an arm back around his waist and it feels amazing to feel Zayn again, to feel the pressure of his body against his side so he leans more on Zayn, just wanting to be closer.

 

 

“Easy there.” Zayn says as he kicks the door shut behind them. "I don’t go to the gym nearly as much as you do.”

 

 

“Tha’s okay.” Liam says, smiling contently. “You’re still fit.”

 

 

Zayn doesn’t respond but when Liam looks down at him, his cheeks are red and it makes Liam feel confident, hopeful.

 

 

"You're so pretty, Z. So pretty and nice and smart. So smart. Smarter than me." _because you stayed, you thought I was worth it, and I left because I'm dumb and selfish._

 

 

"No, don't say that. You're plenty smart, Liam." Zayn sighs as he twists the knob and pushes open the door to his flat. It surprises Liam, the inside of the flat, because it's so unfamiliar and new and he quickly remembers that he's never been here before. That this is Zayn's new home because he doesn't live with Liam anymore, hasn't for 5 months.

 

 

And that's not right. That's not how this is suppose to be. They're suppose to be in Liam's flat, _they're_ flat right now. And Zayn is suppose to sleep in their bed with Liam, not this strange one all alone. If he sleeps alone. And Liam frowns, realizing that maybe Zayn doesn't sleep alone, maybe someone else, other _people_ have shared that bed with him, have seen him sleep, the way his lips pout and his body clings to whatever's closest. Maybe other people have seen Zayn when he's just woken up, the way his eyelashes flutter and his nose scrunches, how soft and warm he is.

 

 

And if other people have seen Zayn like that, who's to say they haven't seen other sides of him in that bed, sides Liam use to pride himself on being the only person to have ever seen. Sides meant _only_ for Liam. Like when Zayn's sweaty and panting, hair falling into his eyes and fingers digging into flesh, and how he works himself on a cock so wonderfully, like it's what he was born to do. To do with Liam, not other people.

 

 

And he's suddenly feeling a lot more sober as Zayn leads him away from the door. He turns his face into Zayn's neck, his lips brushing his skin and he doesn't miss the hitch in Zayn's breathing.

 

 

"Zayn."

 

 

"...Yes?" Zayn hesitates.

 

 

"Are you still mine?" He asks and Zayn must loose his footing because he stumbles a little before catching himself and stopping, turning his head to look at Liam. Liam pulls his face back and they're so close, Liam can see the shock and confusion on his face, but he can also see the spit shine of his lips and smell the faint cigarette and toothpaste in his breath and he wants to kiss him.

 

 

"What?"

 

 

He wants to kiss him but he doesn't know who else has and it's making his body hot, and heart rate increase with the anger and almost _ownership_ he's always felt over Zayn coursing through him.

 

 

He grabs Zayn by the hips, pushing him against the wall and pressing close, trapping him with his body. It feels incredible, _unreal_ even, having Zayn's body against his again, feeling his rapid heart beat against his chest and his breathing on his skin.

 

 

"Has anyone else touched you? Has anyone else kissed you, _fucked_ you?" he's drunk enough to believe he deserves to ask these questions, deserves to have the truth but there's a tiny voice in the back of his head telling him the way he's feeling is irrational. Besides, he's fucked other people since the break up but he can't stand the thought that maybe Zayn has too.

 

 

He doesn't miss the whimper that escapes Zayn's lips and he remembers how Zayn would get when Liam got like this, when he'd get jealous and territorial. Zayn would go pliant under his touch, let Liam take full control and those where the times he probably came the hardest. And he already sees the effect he's having on his boy.

 

 

"You can't ask me those questions, Liam. It's none of your business." Zayn hisses, fighting against Liam's hold but just barely, as if he doesn't really want to break free but is still trying to make a point.

 

 

Liam's getting harder in his jeans and he grinds against Zayn, their noses bumping as Zayn gasps, his hips bucking against Liam's.

 

 

"Are you still _mine?_ " He asks again, more firm as he lowers his face into Zayn's neck, biting and licking his skin, savoring the familiar taste.

 

 

Zayn pulls away quickly, before he can make a mark, so they're face to face as he glares and grinds out, "No. I'm not yours and you made sure of it." he shoves Liam off of him, making him stumble and almost go crashing to the floor and this time Zayn isn't rushing to catch him to make sure he doesn't land on his arse. But he falls into the other wall across from them and he watches with wide eyes as Zayn stomps off.

 

 

"Wait, wait, wait!" He calls angrily, pushing off the wall and following after him, only swaying a tiny bit. Zayn turns swiftly and Liam has to halt before he ends up crashing into him.

 

 

Zayn's face is tight with anger and he looks at Liam in a way that could convince Liam that Zayn hates him.

 

 

"What does that mean?" Liam demands.

 

 

"It means I'm calling Louis to get your drunk, selfish arse out of my flat!"

 

 

Zayn reaches into his pocket, yanking out his phone and furiously typing in his password but Liam snatches it away, keeping it out of reach when Zayn tries to snatch it back.

 

 

"Give me my fucking phone, Liam!" He yells, fighting Liam for the phone, trying desperately to get it but Liam's stronger and has a few inches over him and he is not giving it back if Zayn is just going to use it to get rid of him. He's here with Zayn, this is his opportunity to get him back and he wont pass it up. So he doesn't push Zayn off of him as he tries to get his phone but he does keep it out of his reach.

 

 

"No, not if you're going to call Louis." Liam argues.

 

 

"Fuck you, give me it!" he sneers, almost snatching it when Liam doesn't move quick enough but he just misses and then Zayn gives up all of a sudden, the fight in him suddenly dying as his hands drop to grip the fabric of Liam's hoodie and his head falls so his forehead is pressed against Liam's chest. He's quiet for a moment and Liam is still, watching him in confusion.

 

 

"Why are you doing this to me." he whispers and Liam's face falls when he hears the pain in his voice. He tries to wrap his arms around him but Zayn bangs a fist to his chest lightly and pushes away before he can. Liam watches as he slumps against the wall and slides down, bringing his knees to his chest and stuffing his face into the crook of his elbows.

 

 

When he hears the sniffling Liam is suddenly so much more sober and his chest feels tight because he did that, he's hurting Zayn all over again. He steps closer, kneeling down a little ungracefully and reaching forward to touch him, to comfort him or _something_ but the second his fingers graze Zayn's skin the lads making a choked noise and Liam is yanking his hand away.

 

 

Zayn lifts his head and there's tears running down his cheeks. Liam wants to reach out and wipe them away, apologize and kiss him till he's happy again but he bloody can't and he has no one to blame but his own self.

 

 

"Please, I want you leave." he tells him quietly. Liam shakes his head, reaching out again in a panic but Zayn is snapping at him, "Don't touch me."

 

 

"Zayn, no, I- I miss you." He confesses and Zayn makes a pained sound. He looks utterly devastated and Liam's sure he doesn't look any better.

 

 

"No." He chokes. "You need to go right now, Liam. I wont let you keep hurting me." He standing up in a rush, heading to the door with Liam scurrying behind. He opens it, not looking Liam in the eye.

 

 

"Go." He demands but Liam steps backwards, shaking his head.

 

 

"No, I can't leave, I'm-I'm sorry, _please_."

 

 

"Sorry?" Zayn repeats, anger overtaking his features again as he slams the door shut and steps to Liam. "That's all you got after treating me like crap and leaving me after 5 years? After telling me to get my _shit_ and be gone by the time you got back?"

 

 

Liam winces as the memories come flooding back, the broken and confused look on Zayn's face when Liam told him he didn't want to be together anymore, when he basically said _fuck you_ and threw Zayn out. He feels the tears welling in his eyes, the guilt and shame choking him.

 

 

"You left me, Liam, without even a proper explanation! Didn't I deserve at least that after all we've been through, a bloody _reason_? What did I do wrong?" He's crying again, so much hurt in his words as he backs away from Liam, burying his hands in his hair as he tries to breathe, his chest moving up and down too quickly.

 

 

"Zay-"

 

 

"What did I _do_ to you, Liam?" he asks desperately. "I thought we were good? Proper in love and all but. But then like, you started... you started to _hate_ me or something and I didn't know why. I tried, I tried s-so bloody hard to find out what was wrong so I-I could make it b-better but-"

 

 

Liam moves closer while Zayn's eyes are everywhere but on him and when he grabs his hands, gently coaxing them out of his hair, Zayn tries to pull away, his eyes snapping up to meet his and there's so much confusion and distress and _pain_ in them and Liam swears he hates himself for being the cause of it.

 

 

"Zayn, Zayn please." Liam begs and it's like he's too tired to try at this point because Zayn gives up, letting Liam lock their hands together. "You didn't do anything wrong and I never hated you. I'm drunk, I can't- I can't think clearly right now, let me just take you to bed, please and we can talk about it in the morning when I can tell you everything."

 

 

Liam wants nothing more then to clear Zayn's mind right now, to tell him how perfect and wonderful he was, _is,_  how it was all Liam and his selfish fears, but he knows in his state he'll leave things out and Zayn deserves the whole truth.

 

" _No_ , Liam-" Zayn begins to argue though it's weak and he doesn't continue when Liam shushes him.

 

 

"Please, just let me do this."

 

 

Zayn sighs, looking down and nodding, and Liam sighs in relief. He's thankful he's sober enough that he can walk steadily now as he holds Zayn's hand and asks him where his room is. He leads him to it, opening the door and not bothering with the light as closes it behind them.

 

 

"Can I stay with you?" He asks quietly, closing most of the distance between them, squeezing Zayn's hands softly.

 

 

"I don't think tha-"

 

 

"I know you don't sleep." Liam says, recalling what Louis told him the other day. "I can help you."

 

 

Zayn stays quiet and Liam blindly places a hand on his jaw. Zayn jerks back and Liam's heart cracks but he doesn't try again. "Please, you're tired."

 

 

It takes a long, silent moment where Liam can practically hear the inner war Zayn is having with himself in his mind but finally he sighs an, "Okay." and Liam can't fight his smile. A small victory. He reaches for the hem of Zayn's shirt to pull it off but Zayn gentle pushing his hands away, stepping out of his reach and heading to the bed. Liam sighs but understands.

 

 

He follows, sliding in after Zayn and under the covers with him but it's tense because he doesn't know his limits. He slowly reaches a hand out, touching Zayn's arm with his fingertips as he whispers, "Can I?"

 

 

Zayn moves his arm away so Liam is no longer touching him and it hurts to where tears well up in his eyes because he just wants to touch him, hold him, _show_ him how sorry he is, how much he still wants him but Zayn wont let him. But then Zayn moves closer, not enough that they're touching but enough that they could be if Liam moved just an inch over. But he doesn't, instead to turns on his side so they're facing each other though it's too dark to see.

 

 

"I still love you." Liam confesses into the steady quietness. "So much."

 

 

He doesn't really expect Zayn to respond to that, to say _I love you too,_ though he hopes for it, but he's not too disappointed when all he gets is a quiet, "Goodnight, Liam."

 

 

But he can't quite count it as a loss when Zayn scoots closer, into his space so they're finally touching and Liam doesn't realize how lonely he has been without Zayn until right now when he has him beside him. He wants to sleep every night with Zayn right beside him, on him, around him. And he can't wait to wake up in the morning with him too.

 

 

Liam's almost almost asleep, the world fading out around him, but he thinks he hears a mumbled, _I still love you too_ , and though he could have been imagining it, he falls asleep feeling like maybe everything will be okay.

 

 

::::::::

 

 

When Liam wakes up he has no idea where he is and his head is pulsing painfully. He groans, sitting up and looking around, and this is new. He usually brings them back to his place, he's never woken up in someone else's flat, specially still dressed, but he supposes there's a first for everything.

 

 

He goes to climb out when he spots a familiar fabric on the floor by what is probably the closet door. He moves closer, turning it over fully with his toe and finding a yellow batman simple over the chest of the black shirt and his eyes widen because that's _his_ shirt. His shirt that Zayn kept nicking from him and eventually claimed as his own and memories from the night before come flooding back in his mind, making him dizzy.

 

 

He cringes at first, remembering all the things he said and how drunk he was and the crying, fuck, he made Zayn cry. And he has a lot of explaining to do, he remembers that promise, so he scratches at his jaw and reluctantly leaves the room because Zayn's not in bed (which is quite the shocker because Liam was always the one who woke up first but then again he wonders if Zayn ever fell asleep in the first place) so he has to be somewhere around the flat.

 

 

He makes a quick pit-stop at the bathroom first though to gargle a bit of mouth wash because his mouth taste stale and then he continues down the hall. He finds Zayn in the living room, curled up on the couch with a mug in his hand and a book resting on his knees. There's bags under his eyes and as Liam approaches and Zayn looks up at him, he notices the weariness in his movements.

 

 

"You didn't sleep?" he observes, a bit of disappointment in his tone.

 

 

Zayn looks away, frowning sadly as he says quietly. "Couldn't stay near you."

 

 

Liam's stomach drops, his throat tightening as he tries to swallow. "I'm so sorry, Zayn." he begins, moving quickly so he can crouch in front of Zayn, reaching out to take his hand. Zayn lets him and Liam thinks maybe he has a chance. If he doesn't mess up, that is.

 

 

"Can you look at me, babe, please?" Zayn visibly swallows before his eyes meet Liam's. They're glossy and red rimmed as if he's was already crying. "It was me, it was all my fault. I swear to you, you did nothing wrong."

 

 

"But Li-"

 

 

"I was afraid." He admits. "I was afraid of settling down too soon. I had been with you for so long and then we were gonna get married and I was afraid I was missing out on my life. I thought there was still so much I had to do, so many people to meet. But then I saw you at that coffee shop and you looked so beautiful and lovely and I wanted to kiss you so bad. I realized the months I spent without you were absolute shit, I've never been so miserable, and I miss you so much, Z, please. You're so wonderful, you didn't do anything wrong, believe me."

 

 

He doesn't realize he's crying until he there's a salty taste of a tear on his tongue.

 

 

"But-but you were so mean to me." his voice trembles and Liam places a soft kiss on his knuckles.

 

 

"I know and if I could take it back, baby, I would. God, I was such a prick and I'm so so sorry." He places more kisses on the roof of his hand, slowly traveling up his arm, to his shoulder and his neck. He lifts himself higher so he can climb over Zayn on the couch, gently urging him down so his body can hover over him.

 

 

"I'm not afraid anymore, though, I'm giving you all of my heart. I want it all this time, I want to marry you, have a family with you. I want you until the day I die and even then, where ever I go, I'll still want you." He says, watching Zayn's eyes well up even more. He kisses his nose, his cheek. "Please forgive me, please take me back." he mouths against Zayn's neck, kissing up it and along his jaw, he can taste his tears on his lips.

 

 

"You hurt me so bad." Zayn whimpers, his fingers clenching Liam's shirt. "I don't want-" but he cuts off, swallowing thickly as his fingers tighten their hold.

 

 

"Never again, love." Liam promises. "I'm so sorry, I love you so much."

 

 

"I love you too." Zayn finally says and Liam kisses him hard, putting in all of his regret and longing, licking urgently into his mouth the second Zayn parts his lips.

 

 

He pulls back when he runs out of breath, removing himself from over Zayn so he can sit on the couch properly. Zayn scrambles up when Liam reaches for him, climbing over so he can straddle Liam's lap, connecting their lips once he's settled. Liam slips his hands under Zayn's shirt so he can run them along his sides, feel the smooth warm skin goosebump under his touch. Zayn's grinds down on his dick and he gasps into the kiss, bucking up against him as Zayn continues.

 

 

Liam tugs at Zayn's shirt, pulling it up and off of him so he can feel more skin. "So beautiful." he murmurs, kissing along his chest, a moan escaping Zayn's lips when he passes over his nipple with his tongue.

 

 

"Off." Zayn breathes, pulling at the hem of his shirt until Liam lifts his arms so Zayn can get it off the rest of the way. He immediately travels down to kiss and suck along his neck and chest, leaving dark marks that Liam was afraid he would never see on his skin again, not from his mouth. Liam reaches for the top of Zayn's joggers, pulling at them till Zayn lifts himself enough to get them past his bum. He tries to climb off Liam to push them the rest of the way but Liam pulls him back and keeps him in place with two hands gripping his arse cheeks, kneading them as Zayn grinds against him, panting into his neck.

 

 

Liam removes a hand to tangle in Zayn's hair and urge his face out of his neck, unable to not kiss him hard at the way Zayn's eyes are blown and his cheeks are flushed. He pulls back and brings his other hand to Zayn's lips. Zayn parts them immediately, taking two of Liam's fingers into his mouth, sucking and swirling his tongue around them in a way that has Liam groaning and desperate to get his cock out from the god awful barriers of his jeans. He slips in a third finger for a moment before pulling them all out and lowering them to the cleft of Zayn's arse. He moves to tease a finger around the rim and Zayn pushes back against it, whining before sighing when Liam slips his first finger inside.

 

 

He pumps that one a few times before pushing a second in. There's a little more resistance this time, and Zayn hisses a little but as Liam drags them in and out, his noises are replaced with shaky moans. He scissors his fingers, stretching Zayn further before pushing the third finger past his rim. He pump them a few times before crooking his fingers, pushing against where he knows that spot is and Zayn gasps, his nails digging into Liam's biceps as he rocks back, begging for _more, Li, please I need more_.

 

 

He pulls his fingers out and Zayn whines at the lose, but with a little urging for Zayn to lift himself some, Liam manages to push his jeans down to his knees along with his pants and his cock springs free, slapping against his stomach and Zayn's quick to take it in his hand, spreading the thick drops of precome leaking out down the rest of his cock.

 

 

"Gonna suck you off later, Li, wanna taste you." Liam moans, bucking as much into his fist as he can with Zayn still sat on his lap.

 

 

Once Zayn must decide Liam's slick enough he lift himself and Liam brings his hands under his bum to help, spreading his cheeks as Zayn positions Liam at his entrance and lowers down, the head pushing past his rim. Zayn's teeth dig into his bottom lip, his eyes screwed shut as he slowly sinks further down and Liam run's his hands over his thighs, settling them under the top of them so Zayn wont have to strain too much. Zayn grips at Liam's shoulders once he's fully seated and it takes all of Liam's self control not to thrust up, knowing Zayn needs a few moments to adjust so he kisses up and along Zayn's neck, to his lips, Zayn kissing back with urgency.

 

 

" _God_ , _Li_." Zayn breathes against his mouth, digging his fingers into his shoulders when he swivels his hips. "Missed you're cock so much."

 

 

"Mm." Liam hums, pecking Zayn's lips before he drags his along his neck, sucking a quick bruise. "Show me how much, yeah? C'mon, ride me, love. Ride my cock."

 

 

Zayn lifts himself till just the tip of Liam's cock remains in his hole before he slams back down, letting out a loud moan and dropping his forehead to Liam's shoulder. Liam thrusts up, meeting him halfway every time he slides back down and soon they've got a rhythm going, slow but strong thrust with Liam's fingers gripping Zayn's hips, surely leaving bruises that he'll spend time admiring later.

 

 

"So good, Z, so tight." Zayn feels so good around him, so tight and hot and the drag of his walls feels incredible. He can feel the build up of his orgasm already but really wants Zayn to come first so Liam changes his angle a little and Zayn's head falls back when Liam's cock nudges that spot inside of him, letting out a breathy "Fuck." Liam splays his hands on Zayn's back, pulling him closer so there's hardly any space separating them, and mouths along his skin, licking and presses little kisses as Zayn speeds up his pace till he's bouncing in Liam's lap, Liam's cock hitting that spot repeatedly.

 

 

Liam reaches between their bodies to take Zayn's cock in his hands, knowing his boy is close by the shake of his thighs and the little noises leaving his lips but Zayn pushes his hand away, linking their fingers instead as he slows to almost a stop.

 

 

"Wha-" Liam starts but he's cut off.

 

 

"Don't wanna come yet." Zayn says before he crashes their mouths together, licking into his mouth and grinding on his cock in a way that leaves Liam breathless. Zayn pulls back to lick under his jaw, suck a mark as he continues to give these little dirty grinds that makes Liam's mouth dry.

 

 

"Need to- gonna fuck you." Liam pants, slipping his hands under Zayn's thighs and lifting him off of him, immediately missing the tight heat of Zayn's hole as he lays him out on the couch. He grips the back of Zayn's thighs, pushing them back and apart so he can shove back in.

 

 

" _Liam!_ " Zayn gasps when Liam grips his hips, lifting them slightly and immediately hitting that spot repeatedly. He places his forearm by Zayn's head, leaning in to try and kiss him but it turns into them really just panting against each others mouth and Liam thrusts into him hard and fast, the sound of skin slapping skin echoing in the room.

 

 

"Li, I'm- I'm close." Zayn's nails drag down Liam's back as Liam grips his cock, pumping him quickly till Zayn's arches against him, Liam's name leaving his mouth in a shout as he orgasms, come spurting between them and coating their stomachs, and that's all it takes, the clench around his cock and the look of pure pleasure on Zayn's face, and Liam's thrusts get sloppy and erratic as he comes too.

 

 

It takes a moment for Liam to catch his breathe let alone lift himself off of Zayn but Zayn doesn't seem to mind as he circles his arms around Liam's back and kisses lazily along his shoulder. But Liam gathers himself eventually, pulling out and snatching a shirt from the floor to place under Zayn's bum so the come leaking from it doesn't ruin his couch. Liam squeezes between Zayn and the couch, wrapping his arms around the boy and pulling him into his chest, their legs twining together.

 

 

"I love you." Liam murmurs against Zayn's temple, pecking a kiss there.

 

 

"I love you too."

 

 

"I'm so sorry." Liam apologizes again, meaning it with every piece of his heart. He holds Zayn's jaw with his fingers so he can't look away, so he has to look into Liam's eyes and see the honesty in them. "I wasn't sure last time but I am now and If you'll let me I'd like to prove it to you today, tomorrow, and every day for the rest of our lives."

 

 

"Forgot what a sap you could be." Zayn teases but it's light and there's a tint to his cheeks. "But yeah, okay."

 

 

"Does this mean you'll move back into the flat?" Liam asks hopefully.

 

 

Zayn exhales against his neck, patting his chest as he says, "Baby steps, Li. First we need to shower because this is getting sticky."

 

 

Liam grimaces, nodding his agreement and Zayn laughs lightly and lifts his head to kiss him, his hand cupping Liam's jaw and yeah, Liam's not messing up this time. This is what he wants and this is what he'll always want.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> So what'd you think? Complete shit or only half shit? Hope the smut was at least acceptable... LEMME KNOW, SPEAK TO ME :)


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